Monday, May 10, 2010

tyler durden, you're just a big fat bully

You know how some days you just feel completely mediocre? Maybe you see some YouTube video of a child genius who can do calculus and stack cups and paint replica Van Goghs all at the same time and it just makes you feel like you've failed at life? That's kind of been my past two days. Examples:
  • I went to a concert for high school jazz prodigies, which was pretty cool, but mainly just served as a reminder that I used to have some real musical talent but I squandered it away because I just didn't have the dedication or the skillz and I could never be bothered to practice.
  • One of the high school jazz prodigies happens to be my sister, who isn't even really a jazz vocalist but worked extremely hard to move past her vocal comfort level for several weeks just so she could do an amazing job at this one performance. On the other hand, I am sometimes too lazy to get myself a glass of water.
  • My best friend is so good at the flute that she's in the Navy band and in a couple of months she is going to move to an international naval base in Italy and live there for five years being a professional musician. In contrast, I have been living with my parents for almost a year. 
  • My cousin is about to study abroad in New Zealand for three weeks and then after that she is moving to Manhattan for an internship with the School of American Ballet. Why is everyone in my life so much cooler than me?!
  • Meanwhile, I recently learned that I can't even make it to the second castle in Super Mario Brothers Wii on my own without dying a billion times and using like 6 "continues". I CAN'T EVEN FUCKING BEAT A VIDEO GAME. COME ON.
I think last week I was so manic and proud of myself for getting into graduate school that a come-down was inevitable. It's like someone shined the harsh light of reality right into my face: you're not that special just because you got moved up the wait list and into a graduate school program. Thousands of other people got in to grad school this year too. It's like my own Tyler Durden has surfaced and he's like "YOU ARE NOT A BEAUTIFUL OR UNIQUE SNOWFLAKE. YOU ARE THE SAME DECAYING MATTER AS EVERYTHING ELSE," except that this isn't Fight Club, so I don't feel like I've transcended the mundane through nihilism, I just feel like crap in a bag.

Guh. This sucks. 

P.S. OK, I feel way better now -- I found out that Angela (who I'm officially naming my blogging fairy godmother) nominated me for 20SB's Featured Blogger for the month of June! And I was like, say WHAT? I don't quite feel like I've paid my dues enough to win the title, but the nomination really made my day. And, I guess, if you like what you've been reading here over the past couple of weeks, you should definitely feel free to go second her vote