tyler durden, you're just a big fat bully

You know how some days you just feel completely mediocre? Maybe you see some YouTube video of a child genius who can do calculus and stack cups and paint replica Van Goghs all at the same time and it just makes you feel like you've failed at life? That's kind of been my past two days. Examples:

• I went to a concert for high school jazz prodigies, which was pretty cool, but mainly just served as a reminder that I used to have some real musical talent but I squandered it away because I just didn't have the dedication or the skillz and I could never be bothered to practice.
• One of the high school jazz prodigies happens to be my sister, who isn't even really a jazz vocalist but worked extremely hard to move past her vocal comfort level for several weeks just so she could do an amazing job at this one performance. On the other hand, I am sometimes too lazy to get myself a glass of water.
• My best friend is so good at the flute that she's in the Navy band and in a couple of months she is going to move to an international naval base in Italy and live there for five years being a professional musician. In contrast, I have been living with my parents for almost a year. 
• My cousin is about to study abroad in New Zealand for three weeks and then after that she is moving to Manhattan for an internship with the School of American Ballet. Why is everyone in my life so much cooler than me?!
• Meanwhile, I recently learned that I can't even make it to the second castle in Super Mario Brothers Wii on my own without dying a billion times and using like 6 "continues". I CAN'T EVEN FUCKING BEAT A VIDEO GAME. COME ON.

I think last week I was so manic and proud of myself for getting into graduate school that a come-down was inevitable. It's like someone shined the harsh light of reality right into my face: you're not that special just because you got moved up the wait list and into a graduate school program. Thousands of other people got in to grad school this year too. It's like my own Tyler Durden has surfaced and he's like "YOU ARE NOT A BEAUTIFUL OR UNIQUE SNOWFLAKE. YOU ARE THE SAME DECAYING MATTER AS EVERYTHING ELSE," except that this isn't Fight Club, so I don't feel like I've transcended the mundane through nihilism, I just feel like crap in a bag.

Guh. This sucks. 

P.S. OK, I feel way better now -- I found out that Angela (who I'm officially naming my blogging fairy godmother) nominated me for 20SB's Featured Blogger for the month of June! And I was like, say WHAT? I don't quite feel like I've paid my dues enough to win the title, but the nomination really made my day. And, I guess, if you like what you've been reading here over the past couple of weeks, you should definitely feel free to go second her vote. 

memes and mommies

I just discovered Sunday Stealing, which is a meme made up of only "stolen" memes that they collect from all over the blogosphere. It's very meta. I think. Sometimes I'm not quite sure I know exactly what "meta" means. But anyway. Let's DO this.

1. What's your favorite Dr. Seuss book? 

How the Grinch Stole Christmas!

2. If you could live in any home on a television series, what would it be?

When I was younger, it was definitely Clarissa's room in Clarissa Explains it All. Now I just want to live in Lorelai and Rory Gilmore's house. And I want a town troubadour and the Bracebridge dinner and Luke's diner too. Is that so much to ask?

3. What's the longest you've gone without sleep?

Hm. I'm thinking of a specific occasion (but that's another blog post) and I think it was like, 25 hours or something. And all I remember is feeling like walking death.

4. What's your favorite Barry Manilow song?

OH MANDY WELL YOU CAME AND YOU GAVE WITHOUT TAAAKING

5. Who's your favorite Muppet?

Beaker!

6. What's the habit you're proudest of breaking?
Up until a fairly advanced age, I used to eat my own boogers. Yeah. Really, really glad I stopped doing that.

7. What's your favorite website?

According to my browser's history, it's Cracked.com. I would agree.

8. What's your favorite school supply?

Highlighters!

9. Who's your favorite TV attorney?

Marshall!

10. What was your most recent trip of more than 50 miles?
I drove up to my friend's apartment in Astoria, NY to perform some Broken Heart First Aid. It was a hard weekend -- but worth it. Incidentally, that also marks the first time I extensively worked on a Mac and realized they weren't Enigmatic Mystery Machines.

11. What's the best bargain you've ever found at a garage sale or junk shop?
Wow, I don't know if I've ever been to a garage sale or a junk shop. I guess the closest thing is that once, I found an amazing chartreuse lounge chair at a Goodwill for like $50, but... I didn't have the money or any reason whatsoever to buy it. Sigh.

12. Where were you on September 11, 2001?
I was in 9th grade at the time, so I was at school. I hate to say that it wasn't that hard of a day for me -- I was only 14 and although I could tell that it was very bad (my teachers were crying and many people went home) I didn't quite understand what was going on until I came home to an empty house and  saw all of the footage on the news. Then my sister, 9 years old at the time, got back and I couldn't believe how happy I was to see her alive and I told her what happened and we just hugged and cried until my mom came home. God. Not a great time.

13. What's your favorite tree?

Weeping Cherry. We used to have one of these in my backyard and I spent a lot of summer days leaned up against it reading. Then my dad chopped it down. Oooh, I'm still sore about that. 

14. What's the most interesting biography you've read?
The Glass Castle by Jeannette Walls (or at least, that's the one that stands out the most right now).

15. What do you order when you eat Chinese food?
Chinese isn't usually my first choice, but sometimes I get wicked cravings for sesame chicken.

16. What's the best costume you've ever worn?

Asian Juno!

17. What's your least favorite word?
"Clumpy." Augh. Ew. Gross. Blech. Gag.

18. If you had to be named after one of the 50 states, which would it be?
Alaska. Because of the John Green book, not because of any particular allegiances or affiliations. Cough.

19. What's your favorite bear?
Ummm. Gummi.

20. Describe something that's happened to you for which you have no explanation.
Ok, let's see if I can explain this. Once my friends and I were walking the Ocean City, NJ boardwalk and another group of girls were walking towards us. As we crossed paths, one of the girls ran into my friend Karen, hysterically screamed at her like she had just seen a ghost, and then ran away. We have NO IDEA why. We don't think it was a prank or a dare, since it's not even like she and her friends subsequently pointed and laughed in that "I-can't-believe-you-just-DID-that" way. It was totally bizarre.

21. If you could travel anywhere in Africa, where would it be?

Marrakesh, please!

22. What did you have for lunch yesterday?
A large #1 meal at Chick-Fil-A. That's the chicken sandwich, for those of you who aren't tragically addicted to Crack-Fil-A like me.

23. Where do you go for advice?
My cousin Abbey, my parents, my friends, my sister, and occasionally the Internet.

24. Which do you use more often, the dictionary or the thesaurus?

Thesaurus!

25. Have you ever been snorkeling? Scuba diving?
Snorkeling, yes -- on a tropical island in the Philippines, no less! It was THE BOMB. I've never been scuba diving, but I am dying to learn.

Okay -- last thing is a quick weekend update: 

• I came a little bit closer to making a decision vis-a-vis the Mac vs. PC thing. Thank you for your comments/input!
• I went and saw Iron Man 2 and thoroughly enjoyed it, and now I'm all fangirl squee-ing over the potential Avengers movie that Joss Whedon is allegedly maybe possibly rumored to be directing GAH.
• I celebrated Mother's Day with... my mom. And my sister. We went shopping and helped her pick out an awesome purple dress for my cousin's July wedding. Hooray for my mommy. And your mommy. Mommies in general, really. 

What about you? Did you (and/or your mom) have a kick-ass weekend?

what i'm wishing for

Ever since I got into grad school I've been unnecessarily celebrating whenever possible. Yesterday my sister and I went to the Cheesecake Factory and I dropped like 70 bucks on lunch just because I felt like eating a special "CONGRATULATIONS" meal. I went to the mall with Matt on Tuesday and bought myself 5 new pairs of underwear from Victoria's Secret, because underwear is obviously essential to the graduate school experience.

What I'm trying to say is that I'm in an "I'm worth it" kind of mood lately. And when I get into that kind of mood, I get really, really materialistic. I start remembering all of the things I wanted to buy that I couldn't afford or didn't really need that are somehow suddenly worth getting now because hey, I'm awesome!

And because you care, this is my "Suddenly Worth Getting" Wishlist.

An Erin Condren Life Planner. When I was in undergrad my planner was my lifeline. But since I graduated, things have been pretty low-key and thus I haven't really needed one lately. But things are COMPLETELY different now. I'm going to have assignments! Meetings! Registration deadlines! Not to mention a pretty hefty work schedule! I need a planner to sort all of that stuff out. And clearly I need a planner that can be customized with my name and the photo of my choice and comes with nifty stickers and bookplates and 2 matching notepads that costs three times as much as a planner from Target or Staples. Clearly. [Edit 5/8 @ 11:32 AM - I went ahead and bought one because they happen to be on SUPER UBER SALE right now. Hooray for semi-impulse purchases!]

A new iPod and a new iTrip. Hey, I'm going to be a commuter student, and it's a one-and-a-half hour drive all the way up to campus. I'm going to need something to play my audiobooks and my music so I don't go crazy on the way there and the way back. Because let's be honest, the radio just isn't cutting it these days. I've listened to "Eenie Meenie" by Justin Bieber feat. Sean Kingston way more times than I care to divulge here.

A Flip Mino HD video camera. I ... uh. When I walk to class, I'll need to, uh. Film myself. So I can remember how to... get there. Okay, I can't really think of a reason why I'd need this for grad school, but I've wanted one for years.

An Apple MacBook. This is the big one, the one I'm very seriously considering. My little old Dell has been a such a trooper, but I really do think I'm going to need a new laptop for grad school. And I've been thinking about making the switch to Apple for a couple of months now. The dealbreaker was yesterday, when a bunch of my co-workers overheard me saying that I wanted a new computer for school and they all recommended Mac. They said that on the youth services track, they'd had to do a lot of multimedia projects that a Mac would have been perfect for. I'm hoping to be able to scrounge up the money to buy one by July or August. And I'm also hoping to panhandle at my parents to help me out a little -- but my dad thinks Macs are disgustingly overpriced, so I'm not sure if that's going to go over well.

I'm curious -- what's on your wishlist these days?

Alternately: Do those of you who use Macs have a good solid list of pros and cons when it comes to working on Apple computers?

And even more alternately-er: Did anyone go to a midnight showing of Iron Man 2? What is the verdict? I'm thinking of suggesting that as our Friday night date and I wanted to see if people liked it. [Edit 5/8 @ 8:39 AM - We went to go see it  and we loved Robert Downey, Jr. and the sidelong Avengers references, and we didn't love some other things, but it's a superhero action movie directed by the guy from Swingers so I'm not being nitpicky.]

Have a kick-ass weekend everybody, and DFTBA.

make my dreams come true

[First things first: Happy Cinco de Mayo! I am celebrating by cleaning my room, watching BBC's Life, and eating cookies. Later: Work! Olé!]

So here's what happened yesterday:

I got into graduate school.

I realize that I have never mentioned in this blog that I had any ambitions whatsoever to go to graduate school. So let me explain.

No, there is too much.

Let me sum up.

I want to be a librarian. More specifically, I want to be a youth services librarian. And I've been taking a lot of steps to achieve that goal. Many of those steps entailed getting as much hands-on experience as I can working in public libraries and school libraries. But the biggest step I took was applying to graduate school for my Master of Library and Information Science (or MLIS). Experience is important -- really important -- when it comes to getting hired as a librarian, but the MLIS is the golden ticket. It's basically the prerequisite for every library job beyond support staff.

I applied in December to just one school. In retrospect, that could have been a huge mistake, putting all of my eggs in one basket like that. And at first, it really seemed like I had fucked myself over majorly. Because the deadline for admissions decisions came and went, and I hadn't heard a thing back from my One and Only School. No acceptance. No rejection. Just dead silence.

I was convinced I'd overestimated myself. I started having tons of negative thoughts: How could I have been so stupid to just apply to one school and assume it was in the bag? This university is ranked #6 in the nation for overall library science -- #3 for youth services. They wouldn't want me, a fresh-from-undergrad wannabe whose GPA barely met the admissions standard, whose GRE scores sucked balls. 

Fed up, I turned to the Internet, and I found some forum where people who had applied to library school were discussing their school decisions. I found out that the people who'd applied to my program had already received their acceptances via email. It hit me like a train. I'd been snubbed. I hadn't even gotten a rejection letter.

I was so embarrassed. All of my fears about my shortcomings were true, apparently. I got really upset. Then I got mad. Then I started trying to figure out a Plan B.

This was all about a month and a half ago. Since then, I'd been struggling with where to go next. I half-heartedly filled out another application to another popular MLIS program whose deadline hadn't passed. I looked in vain for more support staff positions in public libraries. And I became more and more panicked about how my career was going to fall into place.

Then yesterday happened.

I was eating breakfast and watching Sabrina the Teenage Witch, waiting for my computer to start up and wondering how it is I never realized what a horrible show Sabrina the Teenage Witch was. I absentmindedly checked my personal e-mail, the address that I can't give out to employers because it's from when I was 15 and thought "liketotally" belonged in an e-mail address.

Then I logged out of that account and signed into my "offical" e-mail, the one I put on my resume and give to stores because I'm too embarrassed to give them the other one. I chomped down on a strawberry and bit my tongue and cried out in pain. Then, dabbing at the inside of my mouth, I glanced at my email and I saw it.

[Fancypants] University MLIS wait list - space available for you this fall

My jaw dropped. I blinked. I read the line over and over and over. I clicked on the subject line.

You are the next person on the wait list for the [Fancypants] University online MLIS program so we'd like to offer you the opportunity to begin your online studies this fall if you'd like.

My heart started pounding. I couldn't believe what I was reading. I'd been on the wait list the whole time? Why hadn't I gotten a letter or an email letting me know? Was this real? Or was it spam? Or maybe a cruel joke from the admissions department? I read on.

The new student orientation will be in late August at the [North Fancypants] campus ... Please let me know ASAP if you'd like to join the fall 2010 cohort so we can help you get registered and send you detailed information about orientation. Classes begin Wednesday, September 1st.

Oh my god. This was real. This was real and I was accepted. I am accepted.

I am going to graduate school, to attend one of the most high-ranking and well-known MLIS programs in the country. I am going to be a youth services librarian.

Of course, I ran around my house screaming and I called my mom and my dad and I frantically texted my sister and my best friends and Matt. Then I went to work and told my co-workers and they were so excited for me. I'm so excited for me. I mean, soon the boring stuff sets in: applying for a loan, registering for classes, learning to deal with bullshit university bureaucracy.

But today I'm not thinking about any of that. Today I'm just basking in the warm glow of Getting What You Wanted. Today, this is me:

ALL SHALL LOVE ME AND DESPAAAIIIR

Today I received my first award, from the sweet and sassy Angela of High on Life. Check out my Sweet Blog Award:

I AM CANDYBEAR. BOW DOWN TO MY CUTENESS

ALL SHALL LOVE ME AND DESPAAAAIIIIR

So here's what happens now:

*give this award to 10 sweet and friendly bloggers,

*make a post about the award including the picture and mention the person who gave it to you,

*put the award on your blog, and

*let your nominated 10 know you've awarded them by leaving a comment!

Even though I've only been at this for two weeks, I've already met so many sweet and/or friendly bloggers... but I still don't think I can think of 10. It's going to have to be 5. And the lucky 5 are:

1. Kara!
2. Michelle!
3. Nikki!
4. Ronnica!
5. Kim!

Thanks for being awesome, seriously.

And P.S. - Happy Star Wars Day. May the Fourth be with you. Hee.

the final verdict

So, how did my weekend turn out? I know you've all been waiting for the answer with bated breath. Let's take a gander:

CONS

The cons list can be distilled into one huge con: It was 90 degrees this weekend, which is an affront to all that is natural and right. It shouldn't be 90 degrees in New Jersey during the first weekend of May. It just shouldn't.

Some of the ways this detail affected my weekend negatively:

1, We couldn't turn the A/C on because it's not supposed to be this hot like ever again, so I had to try to sleep in the sweltering heat, which resulted in me waking up completely naked on top of my covers. Sometimes I take my clothes off in my sleep. It's something you should know about me.

2. I could not fully enjoy my walk-about-college-campus with my friends because it felt less like a carefree frolick through the fields of memory and more like the last leg of Sam and Frodo's journey into Mount Doom. It was hot and exhausting and my belongings seemed to get heavier and heavier the further we walked. And nobody was like, "I can't carry [your camera]...but I can carry you!" 

3. Cuddling with Matt on the leather couch in my living room is more hot-and-sticky than cozy. And not hot-and-sticky in a good way, don't you get any ideas. 

4. All hot food is completely unpalatable in this weather. For dinner my mom had made fried tilapia and though I like fish, I could think of nothing more disgusting than fried food. I was like, how about watermelon? How about blueberries with cinnamon ice cream? No? Oh right, because it's THE FIRST FUCKING WEEKEND OF MAY.

PROS

Likewise, the pros can be boiled down to one Amazing Super Pro: 

Matt and I finally found people to play D&D with!!

On Sunday night Matt and I hung out with our friends who happen to be engaged, let's call them Scotty and Jewel. And it was a huge success because not only did we play LOTR Trivial Pursuit (in which we came up with kick-ass theme song for the Nazgûl which basically amounts to "IT'S CHAAASING YOUUU" and "RUN AWAAAAY") and get to cuddle with their adorable kittens, but we also discovered that we all want to try Dungeons and Dragons -- like, old-school, tabletop, Monster Manual, Funyuns-and-Mountain-Dew D&D. I'm ridiculously excited, despite the fact that I'm not really sure how this is gonna work.  

We have the tools: Jewel's dad has an original game set from the 70's, complete with a 12-sided die and a Dungeonmaster's Guide. 

We have a DM: Scotty, chosen by the very official process of me suddenly blurting out, "I VOTE SCOTTY FOR DUNGEONMASTER." 

We have the experience: most of us have done some form of roleplaying or strategy gaming. 

And I have a cloak! I do have a cloak. So that should come in handy.

But none of us has actually played D&D before. We're all firmly footed in other aspects of geekery -- Scotty plays war games with tiny metal figurines, Jewel is completely obsessed with writing Stargate fanfiction, Matt would probably rather play video games than anything else in the world, and I'm... well, I'm kind of a well-rounded, anything-goes geek -- but never have we delved so deep into True Geek Culture. It's sort of intimidating. But also really exciting.

So! I'll let you know how that goes.

And as for the final verdict on the weekend: Awesome. Hot, but awesome. How was yours?

Pros and Cons: Saturday, May 1

Pros

• I went to a party and I met a girl from Canada. I accidentally told Matt she was from Ottawa even though she told me she was from Toronto.
• Actually, what she had said was that she was "from Tronno." Which was a huge pro.
• At the same party, I saw some of my cousins and we had a lot of laughs. 
• And a lot of cake.
• I drank wine, which is almost always fun (barring the Arbor Mist Debacle of March 2009)
• My sister and I had an epic Boyz II Men sing-along in the car on the way home. 
• I learned the corniest and best joke ever, but you have to know a little French to get it: The One-Two-Three Cat and the Une-Deux-Trois Cat had a race in the swimming pool. The One-Two-Three Cat won. Do you know why? 
• Because the Une-Deux-Trois Cat sank. (Say it out loud, French speakers. Say it out loud. Then groan. Then feel free to backhand slap me through your computer screens.)

Cons

• Said Canadian girl told me she hates the Flyers. 
• Boo on not being able to bond over a sport because of team rivalries.
• I got eaten alive by mosquitoes because we were sitting outside the whole time.
• I hardly got any good reading time in, which sucks because I'm like 40 pages away from finishing V For Vendetta.
• I feel like I just need to finish it so I can start reading it again
• Because holy shit I have almost no idea what is going on in that book.
• I kinda lost my voice a little bit from all of the epic sing-alonging. 
• Nobody laughed at my corny joke. Sad face.

Well, so far this weekend the pros and cons are neck-and-neck. Tomorrow I'm hanging out at my old college campus with one set of friends during the day, and then, in the evening, I'm going over to my engaged friends' house with Matt to eat pizza and play the incredibly geeky game Setters of Catan. So we'll see what the tally looks like on Sunday. Keep on having a good weekend everyone, and DFTBA.