Too soon?

So two weeks ago one of my co-workers caught me lusting over engagement rings online.

This was her reaction: *crazy grin* UH OH!!!
This was my reaction: *quickly minimizes all windows* I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT! I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT!

But I do want to talk about it. I just didn't want to, you know, talk about it with my co-workers. I allowed them to ask ONE question: How long have you been dating? (Answer: 3 years.) They nodded and seemed impressed, but I could have sworn it was the amused, affectionate kind of impressed that really just means they think I'm adorable, all fantasizing about big-girl things like COMMITMENT and DOMESTIC BLISS.

Then my mom stumbled upon what probably looked to her like a guest list because... well, it kind of looked like a guest list (it was really just a list of all of the people we know, though) and according to my sister, thought the whole concept was all sorts of hilarious. Fabulous.

So, Discretion FAIL on my behalf, because I keep on browsing wedding blogs at work and leaving wedding-related stuff all over my house and telling every damn person I know that IT'S ON THE HORIZON. Even though it's not really on the horizon because it'll most likely be another two years before we actually tie the proverbial knot. Maybe I should just keep my mouth shut until it's a done deal.

POST MANIA

The past week or so has been so so crazy and I've had so little time for anything that I actually like to do, so I'm resorting to blogging in between setting up for programs and checking out patrons and cutting out construction paper seahorses.

(RUN ON SENTENCE MANIA)

(Also, who has two thumbs and loves being a youth services librarian assistant? ::points to self:: This girl.)

(That joke is a lot funnier IRL. I swear.)

(PARENTHESES MANIA)

So, I wanted to talk about what's been keeping me away from my lovely little piece of internet real estate, and what the plan is for when everything dies down. You know what happens next, right?

BULLET LIST MANIA!

Where I've been:

- Cleaning and cleaning and cleaning and cleaning. My room, my bathroom, the basement, the den. My relatives from the Philippines are coming to stay for a week and my mother wants the house to be immaculate, I guess so that we can impress them with how quickly our family cleans the house under duress. Because, come on. They'll totally know we only dust the piano when we're having houseguests.
- Picking up tons of extra shifts at work. She works haaaaard for the money!
- Gearing up for this weekend, which is my cousin K's wedding. She's the first cousin to get married on this side of the family, and everyone is going totally sheepshit. The whole process has just been harrowing and never-ending. It's going to be this huge ordeal that involves staying at a hotel in North Jersey with my parents for a whole weekend, and now have to hand out programs and bubbles and candy and my mom doesn't like the shoes I'm wearing and I still have to find a strapless bra to wear with my dress and I don't want to do karaoke at the rehearsal dinner but they're gonna make me and AUGH can't we just show up to the wedding and then leave afterward I FEEL LIKE I'M TAKING CRAZY PILLS.

- Fostering my D&D obsession. Despite my initial concerns, D&D has proven to be so. Much fun. It doesn't hurt that we're playing with our really good friends, of course, but there's an aspect of fantasy role-playing that really satisfied something in me. I think it speaks to my inner child who never got tired of playing pretend.

Where I'm going:
- The wedding, obv. Despite all my ranting, I'm sure it'll be fun and/or memorable. And my cousin Maven (not her real name, but she'd approve), whom I haven't seen in years because she lives in the Philippines, is staying with us next week, and that's gonna be totally awesome.
- A Phillies game with Matt, my BFF and some of her friends from college. I haven't been to a baseball game since fourth grade, but how hard could it possibly be to understand baseball? Some guys take turns hitting a ball and running around in a circle. That's the gist... right?
- Down the shore, again, before the oil creeps up the East Coast and coats us all in a Film of Doom.

Also, in July I'm going to do the 30 Days of Me meme and Bloggerstock (which I was signed up for this month but epically failed at remembering to do), and I've got all of these plans for my blog that I've been brainstorming but haven't gotten the chance to implement because at the end of the day I just want to eat sorbet and read Fables and pass out. I just need to get through this weekend. Here goes nothing.

tyler durden, you're just a big fat bully

You know how some days you just feel completely mediocre? Maybe you see some YouTube video of a child genius who can do calculus and stack cups and paint replica Van Goghs all at the same time and it just makes you feel like you've failed at life? That's kind of been my past two days. Examples:

• I went to a concert for high school jazz prodigies, which was pretty cool, but mainly just served as a reminder that I used to have some real musical talent but I squandered it away because I just didn't have the dedication or the skillz and I could never be bothered to practice.
• One of the high school jazz prodigies happens to be my sister, who isn't even really a jazz vocalist but worked extremely hard to move past her vocal comfort level for several weeks just so she could do an amazing job at this one performance. On the other hand, I am sometimes too lazy to get myself a glass of water.
• My best friend is so good at the flute that she's in the Navy band and in a couple of months she is going to move to an international naval base in Italy and live there for five years being a professional musician. In contrast, I have been living with my parents for almost a year. 
• My cousin is about to study abroad in New Zealand for three weeks and then after that she is moving to Manhattan for an internship with the School of American Ballet. Why is everyone in my life so much cooler than me?!
• Meanwhile, I recently learned that I can't even make it to the second castle in Super Mario Brothers Wii on my own without dying a billion times and using like 6 "continues". I CAN'T EVEN FUCKING BEAT A VIDEO GAME. COME ON.

I think last week I was so manic and proud of myself for getting into graduate school that a come-down was inevitable. It's like someone shined the harsh light of reality right into my face: you're not that special just because you got moved up the wait list and into a graduate school program. Thousands of other people got in to grad school this year too. It's like my own Tyler Durden has surfaced and he's like "YOU ARE NOT A BEAUTIFUL OR UNIQUE SNOWFLAKE. YOU ARE THE SAME DECAYING MATTER AS EVERYTHING ELSE," except that this isn't Fight Club, so I don't feel like I've transcended the mundane through nihilism, I just feel like crap in a bag.

Guh. This sucks. 

P.S. OK, I feel way better now -- I found out that Angela (who I'm officially naming my blogging fairy godmother) nominated me for 20SB's Featured Blogger for the month of June! And I was like, say WHAT? I don't quite feel like I've paid my dues enough to win the title, but the nomination really made my day. And, I guess, if you like what you've been reading here over the past couple of weeks, you should definitely feel free to go second her vote.